Revenge of the Rogaine Rejects

In case you havn't heard, there's a group of renegades here in Texas that are leading a movement to secede from the United States of America and re-establish the Republic of Texas.

Their "legal" claim in leading this revolution is that the United States government illegally annexed Texas in 1845 because the Constitution does not provide a framework for annexing a sovereign nation, which Texas was at the time.

Of course, that fact alone wouldn't elicit even an acknowledging belch from the masses in their call to arms (not a literal call, at least not yet). But they've thrown in a few other tired, petulant grievances (income tax this, too much big government that, blah, blah, blah) that convinced about 100 Texans to renounce their U.S. citizenship and pay $25 dollars for an "official" Republic of Texas ID card. For that privilege, they were required to be fingerprinted in triplicate, the irony of which I am sure was lost on these newly declared "Texas citizens."

Despite their public agenda, however, it's apparent from the photos of these members what really drives them to this excercise in futility.

They're pissed off because they're bald.

Oh, come on, you say. Surely there's a little more substance to their cause?

Don't bet on it. The "duly elected" president of the republic makes Mr. McGoo look like Fabio in comparison, and the ambassador to other countries looks like a botched experiment in splicing the genes of Curly the Stooge and Bozo the Clown. My guess is that when Rogaine failed, they blamed the FDA for not supporting research into alternative treatments for baldness. Under the new Republic, I am certain that they plan to make finding a cure for male pattern baldness a top priority, and, without those onerous testing guidelines to deal with, treatments will make it to market so much faster that surely they'll be able to find something to take some of the shine off their domes.

I've heard these same calls to secede before. Of course, they were coming from a friend of mine who was three sheets to the wind at the time, and we gave them the credence that such drunken ravings are due. And now look.

Truth is so much stranger than fiction.


Send your comments to
(please identify which editorial you are commenting about)

we reserve the right to publish any comments we receive